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Due to the number of questions received, we regret that we cannot respond individually. If selected, your question may be edited in length or grammar. Receive $50 off any of our services if you send us your e-mail and your question is published on this webpage. Your e-mail will be kept confidential. Please note: we are not rendering couples counseling or marriage therapy here! Our answers do not establish a therapist-client relationship and just represent the opinion of the author.
RE: AFFAIR
Dear Gluemaster,
Help! I am desperate. I just found out that my husband is having an affair. He said it was “just a sexual attraction” that lasted for five months, but he still loves me and wants to work it out. I don’t trust him anymore. Every time he leaves the house I wonder if he is going to her. My thoughts are making me insane and sick to my stomach daily. He swears that nothing more is going on with that “lady,” but I have a hard time believing him. I am torn with doubt. Does marriage counseling work? Should I leave him? We have two daughters together, and I need to make the right decision. What do I do?
Desperate in Santa Barbara
Dear Desperate,
First, stop despairing! Start acting, and I do not mean that you should move to Hollywood and break it on the big screen. I mean, it is time to take action. You know you want to make things work with your husband, so set your doubts aside. How can I be so sure? Otherwise you would have already left him. You would not have spent time seeking out a program that helps couples stick together and survive affairs! You could talk to the other “lady.” If your husband refuses to give you her number, you know that he is still connected to her. Ask him to stop all contact with her and give you access to his e-mail/phone, etc. Next, don’t go snooping around. Just use this access as a symbol that there should be no secrets anymore between the two of you. No, you do not have to contact the lady, but if you do, have both the “lady” and your wandering hubby agree to no contact, possibly in writing.
Don’t sell yourself short. Ask for what you need. You have the upper hand at the negotiating table. Set your boundaries. If he wants to work things out, you bet that he will kiss it up to you. If not, he is not really trying to work anything out, just buying time to see which lady is best. Don’t fool yourself. Come to our workshop together and see how this crisis can give you the opportunity of creating a marriage that is stronger than ever.
Best,
Claudia
RE: CROSS-DRESSING
Dear Gluemaster,
I have been married to my high-school sweetheart for 15 years. Yesterday I came back earlier from work and had the shock of my life. My hubby was home, dressed in my lingerie, masturbating. He confessed that he gets aroused putting my underwear on. We have a little boy, age 4, and now I am very scared that my husband may touch him. I am confused. I was molested by my grandfather when I was 16 and I just don’t trust men anymore.
Shocked in L.A.
Dear Shocked,
The fact that you were molested as a child does not mean at all that your husband will molest your son! The great majority of men who get aroused by wearing female underwear will never ever molest a child. Most of them are happily married, heterosexual, and faithful, devoted spouses. Now that your husband’s secret is out of the lingerie dresser, it is time to have some serious conversation. Could you live with him if he continued to cross-dress? Is he willing to give it up? Does he have other sexual behaviors that you find objectionable? Is the cross-dressing something that you could integrate in your intimacy? Let’s be clear, what happens in your bedroom between the two of you is only your business. Nobody will be there to judge you. Sex is a game, so have fun! I worked with several couples that held together a very solid marriage after similar “revelation.” In the meanwhile, I recommend that both of you work individually with a therapist. How can you ever be happy if you do not trust men? You may have noticed that there are lots of men everywhere. Your molestation is still greatly affecting your life and you need to learn to overcome your trauma in a supportive environment. Keep your problem separate from your husband’s sexual behavior. He may also be confused, and a therapist (a different one for him) can help him sort things out.
Best,
Claudia
RE: LACK OF COMMUNICATION
Dear Gluemaster,
My husband never talks. How do I get him to talk more?
Married to a mute in Carlsbad.
Dear Married,
You do not seem much of a talker yourself! I think yours is the shortest letter I received. You present a common concern, however. Many men do not talk all that much, preferring to watch TV instead. Less dangerous, and more entertaining. Typically, a woman can talk for hours to her husband while he conveniently dozes off with his eyes open. Stop talking and start listening. Your husband may never become the next talk-show radio host, but he will have to fill the blanks when your mouth stops moving. Ask him an open-ended question. Hint: this is a question that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.” For example: “What do you think about…?” Many open-ended questions start with a W (what, when, why, who, etc.). Also, be aware of your own nagging. Women tend to do a lot of that. You may think you are “talking,” but to him it may all sound like a blah blah blah. Why add more blah to yours?
Best,
Claudia
RE: IN-LAW
Dear Gluemaster,
My mother disapproves of my marriage to my wonderful wife. She thinks that my wife is only after my money. My mother comes from a well-to-do family, owns a lovely house by the sea, and I am her only son. How do I convince my mother that my wife, who is expecting our first child, is well-meaning and genuinely loves me?
Richard S., Cardiff, CA
Dear Richard,
Are you by any chance a mama’s boy? Glad to hear you are not. I was wondering for a second. I can’t tell you how many times I meet this situation: a marriage becoming shaky because of the negative influences of the in-laws. Don’t let that happen to you. You are all grown-up now. Use a Tough Love approach. Remind your momma how much you love her, gently tell her that your wife cannot possibly steal your affection away, and firmly tell mom that if she ever wants to be a happy grandmother she’d better behave with your wife and respect your choices. You get the point. In-laws can wreak havoc in our relationship only if we let them. Set a boundary with mom every time she starts speaking less than positively about your wife. You will gain the respect of your mother and the admiration of your spouse. And if momma becomes outraged and disinherits you, just remember: you made a commitment to your wife, not to your mother’s money.
Best,
Claudia
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