Folks….
This stuff is so important that it deserves a lot of words. Print it out. Post it on your mirror, in front of your TV, anywhere you need to! Bear with us and read it all. Read it over and over carefully, practice, and watch the change happening!
Most people erroneously think that all couples fight. True, all couples disagree and not two people think alike. Not true that all couples fight. Some couples live by the rule that fighting is not allowed. Not permitted. Forbidden!! Those couples abhor name-calling and refuse to escalate disagreements into huge mountains. They have learned to let go of resentment quickly. They humbly apologize as soon as possible, and rarely carry an argument past a couple of minutes. Can you imagine that in your relationship? You can get there with a bit of training.
You are allowed to disagree, but you are not allowed to fight. You are not allowed to name-call, point fingers, yell, and lose control of your words and actions. If you find yourself apologizing for having said or done something that you did not really mean, YOU need to get a hold of yourself. Children hear the fighting even when you think they don’t, and they get traumatized. Do decide that fighting is unacceptable in your marriage.
Chill! Don’t despair: here is our step-by-step guide.
Make the agreements below with your partner and you will be on your way to breaking the destructive habit of fighting and constant bickering. These are “no-excuse, no-exception agreements”. That means that once you embark on this new path, there is no turning back: you just stay the course until you perfect all of the agreements. I challenge you to become a pro at this. You can do it. You must do it.
“THE LIFE-CHANGING AGREEMENTS”:
NO VIOLENCE. If there is any form of physical altercation, both of you need to get individual help. It is never OK to push, scratch, or hit your partner, throw things around, punch things or slam doors when upset. You are an adult, and such temper tantrums will not give you what you want. They will only show to your partner how immature, dangerous, unpredictable, and out of control you can be. Go to Anger Management Classes. You must take this seriously before your neighbors can call the police, and the next thing you know is that your children are taken into protective custody and your life is ruined. (You do not believe us? We see this every day. Go here.)
NO-NAME-CALLING. Agree with your partner that all name-calling and put-downs must stop immediately. No matter how mad you are, do not allow yourself to use nasty words. Once they are out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.
CHECK-IN WITH YOURSELF. Listen to your body and your tone of voice. If you are getting tense or loud, it is time to stop. Yelling does not help you win an argument. The biggest yeller is the biggest loser. Let the decibels be your friends. If the conversation is getting loud, quickly disengage within a minute. One minute!
STOP FIGHTS FAST. Do not let a small argument snowball into a big one. Interrupt it as quickly as you can. If you have been arguing for more than a couple of minutes, ask for a time-out and go to another room. One minute of arguing is enough. Again, one minute! Nothing productive will be said after that.
KIND, NOT RIGHT. Choose to be “kind” rather than “right.” Agree to disagree. Stop trying to prove your point. Stop demanding that your partner change or listen for the 100th time. Stop blaming! You will disagree on many issues. Accept that you are with an equally smart person and respect their differences. You are no more right than your partner is. You both have reasons to see things your way. It takes a lot of humbleness to accept that that may be true.
STOP YELLING. When two people are yelling, we guarantee to you that neither is listening. If you partner is yelling, stop talking. Gently, but firmly ask for a time-out.
TIME-OUT! If your partner asks for a time-out, you must promptly and gracefully oblige. Do not prevent your partner from leaving, or chase him/her around the house to make sure you have the last word or that your partner will come back. Agree in advance: if an argument is getting out of control, both need an immediate time-out. If one partner wants to leave, the other will accept it. The partner who leaves must inform the other where they are going and when they will be back. Leave in love. This way, you will prevent the other from feeling the panic of abandonment. “Honey, I am really upset now, and I need a time-out. I am going to my mother’s house and I will be back by 10:00 PM. I love you. ” Please go to a neutral place (the gym rather than a strip-tease club)!
Stop! Let’s do this again. This is critical.
1. Interrupt the argument quickly by asking for a time-out.
2. Tell your partner where you are going.
3. Say when you will be back, and keep your words.
4. Tell your partner that you love them.
5. The other person must say: “OK, go, I love you too.”
Can we agree on this much? It will solve so many of your headaches, guaranteed!
WAIT. Postpone discussions to the next day: you will see things differently if you let some time pass by.
WRITE. Sometimes it helps to write things down. You may want to journal about your argument and track your progress, paying particular attention to what you need to change. Or, you may want to write to your partner if you feel that an important message needs to be delivered and it got lost in the argument. Just make sure that you deliver a clear, no-aggressive, straight-to-the-point logical message, not a rambling ode to how wrong your partner is and how right you are.
TAKE THE PLEDGE!
Commit to using the above Agreements and let us know you are doing so. Make these Agreements a part of your life, and you will see amazing positive changes.
SEE US!
We will make sure that you practice these new healthier habits, and we will hold you accountable for the changes you want and must make. Your arguments can lose their viciousness and you can go back to respecfully disagree with your loved one, or even learn to agree more. Remember, we have taken many, many, many couples from nasty arguments to clear and loving communication again. Will that be you?
If you have other suggestions that have worked for you, do not hesitate to e-mail them to us at info@marriageglue.com.
“I learned this in counseling. When I realize that am having a heated discussion with my husband, I make a conscious effort to breathe and count to 20 before I say anything. This creates awkward pauses that tell my husband I am doing my part in remaining calm and thinking things through.”
Caroline B., Escondido, CA
“I made an agreement with my wife that we will not argue inside of the house. Our magic sentence is “let’s go to the pool.” If we have a difficult subject to discuss, we go by the pool of our apartment complex. This way, we know that we will not allow ourselves to get loud. Sometimes we are just too tired to get out of the house, so we just give up talking until the next day. By then, our disagreements are usually forgotten.”
Thomas V., Chula Vista, CA
“Think of your children. Force yourself to think of them when you are mad. You are setting the example for them. Do you really want them to argue with their spouse like you are teaching them to do?”
Jennifer C., La Mesa, CA
“Tell yourself ‘this is not worth fighting over.’ Eventually it will sink in. Most things are really not worth fighting over.”
Margaret M., Carlsbad, CA
Thank you so much for the tools you gave us. It transformed completely our way of talking to each other. No more bickering for us. We cannot thank you enough.”
Melinda and Joe R., El Cajon, CA
Couples counseling help is just one phone call away.
Call now, change now!
(619) 246-6700 info@youchangenow.com 615 E. Lexington Avenue, El Cajon, CA 92020